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| Carmen and Jerry |
I first began to think of this subject of the greatest gift my father had given to me, a few years ago when he passed away. Some things he had given to me are obvious; my sense of humor, my logical way of thinking; my big round face; my love of mathematics and that bite of the gambling bug that I feel when I think of the sights and sounds of the inside of a casino. Of course there are also intangible things he taught me. Little pearls of wisdom, that even though I may have rolled my eyes at him as a kid and a teenager he was right to teach them to me and I now understand their lessons.
Here are only a few of them that I fondly remember and laugh about often;
It's important to check in with those who love you and to always be truthful. He had one rule, call home periodically when you go out at night and let him know where we were. He used to say; "Kimmy, I don't care what you're doing or who you're doing it with, I just need to know you're okay so I don't pace the house all night waiting to get a call that your car's in a ditch somewhere. We can talk about the rest in the morning." I always called and was never afraid to tell him the truth about where I was or what shenanigans I was into that day. Many times I walked through the door and just flat out gave myself up; "Dad, I skipped Sunday school and instead my friends and I were smoking cigarettes behind the rectory", "Dad, the big orange construction saw horse with the blinking light on top wasn't put int he driveway behind your car by the DPW, my friends and I stole it and put it there for a joke last night."... believe me, it was always better to tell him up front and face the consequences than to have him find out (he always found out) and then you'd be in trouble for what you did PLUS double trouble for having lied to him.
He taught me to be prepared. No matter how cheap your car is there are things you don't skimp on; tires, brakes, a good battery and changing your oil every 3000 miles, for those things you spend as much as you need to so your car is always able to get you home.
Math is literally every where! When I was a kid he'd quiz me in the isle of the super market holding up two cans of beans, one small and one gigantic; "Kimmy, quick look at these two cans of beans, how much is each per ounce and which one should we buy?". I'd laugh because he'd tell me that "even if we throw the extra beans away, you have GOT to go with the best value!" he was right and I remember this lesson when I choose most every big purchase I make.
Sometimes you have to be grown up enough to make the tough decisions. When I was learning to drive he used to sit in the passenger seat tap the dash board twice and say; "Kimmy, when I do this you slow down", he'd then tap the dashboard twice again the very same way as before and say; "Kimmy, when I do this go faster." When I looked at him to question what he had said he'd interrupt me and say; "It's up to you to know which one!" Today I am an awesome driver and I'm not afraid to make a confident decision.
All these things are just memories, lessons learned from a parent that taught in his own way, with his own style. At the time, while I was busy huffing, puffing and rolling my eyes I didn't realize that he was doing a great job at teaching me and although I didn't know it then, he was getting his point across. Is this a legacy? Do these things add up to the greatest gift that my father left me with? If that's not it, what is? Then all at once the answer hit me like a ton of bricks in the days leading up to his death.
In 2008, 82 years had passed for him and this once larger than life man with the booming voice was a fragile old man, his wife had been deceased for some 26 of those years, his health was failing. We got the call that he had been taken to the hospital with kidney failure and that it didn't look good. When I got to his bed side I asked him if he was in any pain and if he needed anything. He said "No Kimmy, I feel fine". He then looked right at me and said, "Kimmy, I think this is it for me." He and I have always been very honest with eachother, and there was nothing wrong with his realistic and rational mind so I said, "Well Dad, it just might be your time, are you ready?" What he did and said next is something that I'll never forget. He said, "No Kimmy, I've just got to call my friend. Can one of you kids get me a phone and dial your Uncle Jerry's number?". Jerry and Mary Aquino and their family are one of those families that were always considered uncle, aunt and cousins even though they were not related by blood. Jerry and my father had been the best of friends for 60+ years. We handed him a phone and listening to their short conversation He said "Hello Jerry? It's me Carmen. I'm in the hospital again and this time it looks like this is 'it'. You've always been a wonderful friend to me and I wanted to tell you I love you very much and I'll be waiting in Heaven for you when you get there." All of us in the room just stood there, speechless. In those short moments in my mind I realized all the years that these men spent together, sharing weddings, births, deaths, successes and failures, a whole lifetime of true, honest friendship. They talked for a few more minutes and then he hung up. I never asked him what Jerry said on the other end of the phone but I could see the expression on his face, it wasn't sad or stressed it was peaceful and calm, it was an expression that said to me that he just checked off a box on that invisible checklist inside his head. At that very moment I could see it, I knew what he left with all of us, what he instilled in all of us, what his legacy and his gift to us was. This was a man who made solid connections, he was loyal and honest, sometimes to a fault. When you were his friend the line got blurred and you were folded into his family. I remember when my mother passed away him saying that she was the social one and that it wasn't his thing to be social. That wasn't the case at all. His rough, hard, blunt speaking exterier really did have a soft inside. He kept a special place in his heart for friendship and he passed that trait on to all of us. He continued to talk and visit with each of his children, grandchilden, siblings and friends over the next three days leading to his death. We all got our last lectures, talked about memories and and his honest assessment of what we've all done right, what we've done wrong. This man, who died with virtually no money and nothing of any monitary value, surrounded by his family and friends was rich beyond his dreams. He was rich in the loyalty of the friends he kept and in the family that surrounded him and if we're lucky we're all just a little bit like him. I think I am.. I hope I am. I think about my 5 siblings and myself and how we all have "family" and "friends" at the top of our priority list. I think of how all 6 of us have life long friends, childhood connections that have lasted all these years. This is his gift to me, his greatest gift, that he taught me to make connections, be kind and generous with my friendship and keep these bonds forever. With any luck I will pass this gift off to my son who I look at each day and in his big round grinning face I see my father's face looking back at me.
