Oh, don't get me wrong, I still stubbornly tell my 10 year old the same stories, mostly for my own nostalgic and sentimental reasons. Sometimes he humors me and listens politely and we laugh together as we once did, while other times my stories are received with what I call a 'teenager-in-training' style response complete with rolling eyes and a smerky grin. Occasionally I even get half-hearted complaints; "Mom, yes I know.. and when I was born, there I was with my big round face and a head covered in black curly hair and the nurse handed me to Dad and he took one look at me and said 'Hi Meatball!'.. yes yes.. you already told me that story about a thousand times!" Those stories are more for my benefit than his at this point. I suppose now I'm just happy that he's still letting me in to tell them.
Lately I find myself being more of an investigative journalist than a Mom when we talk trying to pry information out of him about his school day, what he's feeling and what might be weighing on his mind. It's easy to fall into that; "Me : How was school?".. "Him : Fine." conversation rut. The important task that I'm faced with becomes keeping the conversation going and not giving up, and it can become a bit of an interrogation; 'What was your favorite part of school today?', 'What was your least favorite?', 'Who did you hang out with at recess?', 'Are they your best friend these days?', 'Are there any kids who you don't get along with?', 'Do you feel confident and secure about your school work?'. There are dozens of questions in my parenting arsenal. Sometimes I get answers, other times eye rolling and grunts, but I'm dedicated to the asking none the less.
The thing is, kids grow up fast, and as a parent I feel a real challenge to stay relevant. You've got to skate on that fine line of remaining involved, fun and interesting yet let him grow up and represent his own personality and be himself. This is a difficult balancing act as you want to protect them from failure and pain but at a realistic distance. So you guide and teach them then hope that all you've instilled in him is enough. I compare this feeling to that day when you stopped running next to him and let go of the bicycle seat and stood in the parking lot helpless and nervous while he feverishly pedaled that 2 wheeler for the first time. I remember the feeling I had that day, knowing he'd probably fall and maybe there will be tears. I told him flat out; "Buddy, you will probably fall, everyone does. If you can persevere, believe in yourself and keep trying you will be so happy when you can just get on that bike and ride... it's the best!" He was nervous. I could see it on his face and a few times he started to say that maybe he didn't want to learn to ride after all... but we encouraged and he tried it.. and there he was, riding all day on 2 wheels with a giant grin on his big round face.
As they grow up each age and stage has its challenges. As a parent I find myself standing aside watching and hoping that I'll recognize when it's time to jump in and lend a hand and when he'd be better off if if I let go and allow him to either fail or succeed on his own. I'm sure I'll be a bit sad on the day when being a teenager means that he shuts his door on our conversations and he feels that I'm out of touch or no longer a source of realistic guidance for him. I hope that day doesn't come, but if it does all I can do is pray that over time he'll realize that he can always sit and talk to me and get honest answers, experienced insight and caring advice. Every parent wants their kid to feel confident and comfortable talking with them about things in their lives that excite, encourage and concern them. I never want him to feel as though he isn't able to bring any concern to me.
During recent conversations with my son I began to observe in his demeanor at times that he has doubts and can lack confidence and self-esteem. I wanted to find a strategy to apply to our conversations. Something to pull us out of the "How was school today?" question routine and maybe elevate our discussion a bit to more relevant topics. I wanted to offer him support and guidance without simply telling him that I think he's a fantastic kid. You see, each day I tell my son three things; that I love him, that I'm proud of him, and that I believe in him. I'd like to think that you can't over-do those three points. However, one recent morning on our drive to school we're talking and I tell him to remember those three things while he goes through school that day and his reply was; "Mom, you're proud of me for everything. You're even proud of me for being born and I didn't even have anything to do with that!". This conversation made me think .. is it possible that I've watered down my praise of him by using it too often? I was shooting for letting him know that no matter what, he's got my love and support. Perhaps, that's not enough at this age and stage. I started to think that maybe it was time that I trust that he knows those things and focus on some real situational guidance. So, I began to search on-line and came across this book, 'Chicken Soup for the Soul - Think Positive for Kids'. I wrapped it and put it under the Christmas tree, to him from me. Being a typical 10 year old boy, he opened it, saw it was a book thanked me with a bit of question in his voice and set it aside. He had that face on, the one you see when a boy opens a gift of socks or maybe a sweater vest. Later that day he asked me, "Mom, why did you get me a cook book?" I laughed and explained to him what it was; "It's a book made up of various stories told by kids for kids. Some of them will make you feel nice and others, maybe not as nice." He reluctantly agreed that he would try it out, but no promises.
This book is broken down into sections with titles such as; 'Being Responsible', 'Making Good Choices', 'Developing Self Esteem', 'Handling Bullies' and 'Making Real Friends'. Some of the stories are a bit corny and others, especially the ones about kids bullying other kids, are a bit sad, but they all have a positive message. Each night at bed time he and I have been selecting a few of these real-life situations and stories written by the people who experienced them. The messages and morals taught in these small snippets aren't anything new to him, we've discussed these types of things before, but that's not really the point. The point and the wonderful reason that I love this book is that it has been acting as a conversation starter for us. A way for me to be relevant again and discuss with him topics that he has a real chance of facing every day without it seeming like a lecture or a check list. We'll read a story about a boy who was always picked last for the basketball team in gym or about a girl who someone spread false gossip about at her school and we'll talk about those situations and he will share his perspective on how he feels he'd handle those types of things if they happened at his school. A few times he's asked me to make up some situations so he can tell me what he thinks a constructive reaction would be. I can really see the cogs turning in his head while he contemplates each situation. This book has really given me a fresh approach to getting to know how he thinks and that he's been listening to all those preaching the 'right' vs 'wrong'. I'm going to milk this book for all I can and hopefully down the road I can find a way to once again inject myself into his conversations when his age and stage of life turns from kickball to more grown up topics like dating, first jobs, college and future aspirations. Although, I can't promise that I won't still be the embarrassing Mom who hides sticky notes in the pages of his text books with encouraging sayings on them or that I won't cut a baloney sandwich into a dinosaur shape in his lunch in the 10th grade... I'll always be nostalgic for the days when it was easier to make him feel how much I love him, am proud of him and believe in him.
